I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
