I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
