Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
