in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
