fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
