Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
