Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
