guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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