I saw his package. It spoke to me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
