Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
