i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
