yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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