i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
