I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
