She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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