he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
