I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
