If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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