some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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