I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
