The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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