And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
