all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
