I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
