At least make sure they are 18
Why
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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