Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
