Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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