And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
