You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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