In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
