just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
