I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
