Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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