Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
