why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
two words...techno handjob
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
