I looked at my own cervix.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
