I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
