So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
