considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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