i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
