Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
