Only a mothe r could love this liver
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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