walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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