Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
