I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
