I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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