I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
