apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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