Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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