Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
