season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
