i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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