We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
