Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
