no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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