Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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