we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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