I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
